God knows what he's doing right?
Sometimes I have to question if I even show up on his radar. Maybe I just need to go higher... be closer.. then maybe I would be heard. Seen. Helped.
I am incredibly overwhelmed. I just need one friend, one person, who can just tell me it's all going to be okay.
It breaks me every extra day that I spend here. It's an uncontrollable sadness and hurt.
The fake smiles that once came so easy are far and few between now.
How do people live like this?
How can anyone Go everyday living a lie and never break?
How can they watch the person they love break their heart and continue to stay?
I tried for so long... seems like forever... and there is no way I can make it any longer.
It is heartbreaking when you look at your relationship only to find you were the only one trying. Only one giving. Only one caring. The only one wanting it to work out. Attempting to salvage what the other person clearly already knew was not salvageable. Because how can you salvage what is not there?
I would of given anything.... In almost 8 years I have nothing to show.. nothing to take. Nothing left to give.
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Monday, February 24, 2014
leaving
I was hoping to leave once the kids were out of school for the summer...
I have decided against that.. and instead I'm going to leave without them.
And much sooner. I am going to spend the rest of the week writing them each a letter.
Maybe two or three. There is so much I want them to know and hear before I go. So much I want them to remember. .
There is so much I want my words to do for them. Heal. Guide. Be a reminder of all the love we had for one another. To apologize for deceiving them. For not setting an honest happy marriage for them to model in their own lives.
But for today and the next few days.. I'm just going to give all of my love an attention to them.. and hope that's enough.
I have decided against that.. and instead I'm going to leave without them.
And much sooner. I am going to spend the rest of the week writing them each a letter.
Maybe two or three. There is so much I want them to know and hear before I go. So much I want them to remember. .
There is so much I want my words to do for them. Heal. Guide. Be a reminder of all the love we had for one another. To apologize for deceiving them. For not setting an honest happy marriage for them to model in their own lives.
But for today and the next few days.. I'm just going to give all of my love an attention to them.. and hope that's enough.
Saturday, February 22, 2014
lyrical...
Sometimes songs just say it all.
This old heart of mine won't let you break it
Not again, not again
It hurt so many times and I can't take it, not again
Cause I'm hardly breathing
One more teary eye, or sleepless nights
Just might kill this heart of mine
Hardly breathing, hardly breathing
*Brandy- Hardly Breathing*
Thursday, February 13, 2014
Running away
What if... you could run away....... would you?
Ignoring obvious obstacles such as children, work and the alike.
I think about running away from my life on a daily basis. If it were not for having children I would surely be gone by now. I would love nothing more than to disappear into the crowd and never return. My children keep me grounded. Keep me here. I wonder if one day they won't be enough to keep me from leaving. The feeling just becomes so overwhelming sometimes.
This week I have been physically ill from stress and heartache.
I find myself talking to myself throughout the day.. trying to convince myself that I am still on the right path. My children interrupt my crying sessions with their simple hearts full of questions. I do my best to still my sorrow until they are off playing once more but it is hard on my already fragile body. I eat very little. And even the slightest bit of worry makes me dry heave.
With all of that though.. I stay around.
But if I did not have little ones around would I?
I feel pretty sure that I would be long gone living under some pseudonym.
Am I crazy? Probably.
Do I want to continue on this lonely sad road. . No.
But I have no other options right now.
Ignoring obvious obstacles such as children, work and the alike.
I think about running away from my life on a daily basis. If it were not for having children I would surely be gone by now. I would love nothing more than to disappear into the crowd and never return. My children keep me grounded. Keep me here. I wonder if one day they won't be enough to keep me from leaving. The feeling just becomes so overwhelming sometimes.
This week I have been physically ill from stress and heartache.
I find myself talking to myself throughout the day.. trying to convince myself that I am still on the right path. My children interrupt my crying sessions with their simple hearts full of questions. I do my best to still my sorrow until they are off playing once more but it is hard on my already fragile body. I eat very little. And even the slightest bit of worry makes me dry heave.
With all of that though.. I stay around.
But if I did not have little ones around would I?
I feel pretty sure that I would be long gone living under some pseudonym.
Am I crazy? Probably.
Do I want to continue on this lonely sad road. . No.
But I have no other options right now.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Forgiveness
The majority of the population I would guess has a great deal of trouble giving forgiveness to those who have done them wrong in some way.
I on the other hand tend to offer forgiveness for anyone who truly wants it.
Forgiveness is something that has been deeply established into my heart.
I am willing to forgive all wrongs done to me.. especially when I feel it is for a greater good. Usually it is for my own sanity.
Forgiving does not mean forgetting. The saying "forgive and forget" is not entirely an accurate idea.
You can ALWAYS forgive an individual. You can NOT forget. I guess in a rare case of amnesia but that is a bit out of the realm of normalcy.
Normal, average and sane individuals who deserve to be forgiven will have the ability to request forgiveness and deserve to be forgiven. However, if you are dealing with someone who can not do the simple act of asking for forgiveness you need to turn and run and not even give them another moment.
Open your heart to forgiving others. I know this does not come easy for everyone and that it can be an extremely hard task to undertake. IT WILL BE WORTH IT. Anger is never a good thing. Forgiveness will make your heart happy.
Friday, July 26, 2013
I know.. I know..
This is yet again another Narc post. I can't help myself. Anyone in this type of relationship NEEDS to know that this is unacceptable. They are worth far too much to waste life on a false, hurtful and deceptive person.
What Is the Connection Between Narcissism and Cheating?
Many experts believe narcissism and cheating in a relationship are inextricably interlinked. The symptoms of narcissism are often such that these individuals cheat repeatedly on their spouses or significant others, usually without understanding that they have done something wrong. The typical narcissist believes he is beyond reprisal and entitled to do as he pleases at all times. Many narcissists may hate women so much that they use sexual degradation and infidelity as a means of punishing them for perceived wrongs. The narcissist may also feel obligated to maintain a "normal" appearance of married life, while still viewing his spouse as a hindrance and resenting the fidelity she requires of him.
Many narcissists pursue sexual conquests as a means of ego validation. They can gain a sense of power from the sexual act, and the acquisition of new partners may give them the feelings of worthiness and value that they usually inherently lack. Narcissism and cheating in relationships may be linked especially because many narcissists enjoy having intercourse more if it is difficult to achieve because the target is perceived as difficult. Encounters such as these tend to boost the person's fragile ego even more than encounters that come easily.
Unlike partners who cheat due to unmet needs in the relationship, narcissists will typically cheat repeatedly, no matter what the perceived quality of the central relationship in their lives. Many may claim to hold their spouse or partner in high esteem, while insisting that their extramarital liaisons mean nothing. In reality, these people tend to have no more regard for their partners or spouses then they do for the women with whom they are unfaithful.
Most experts agree that, when a narcissist enters a relationship, he will typically cheat again and again, believing he has every right to do so and that there is nothing wrong with his behavior. This belief is often so ingrained that, when the spouse or partner eventually gets fed up and leaves, the narcissist will typically attempt to do everything within his power to preserve the marriage. People with narcissism tend to use marriage for the social status and the appearance of normalcy it can bring them, rather than for intimacy or family, since they are typically incapable of real emotional closeness.
Most psychologists agree that narcissism and cheating in relationships often occur together because the average narcissist is unable to sympathize with, or in some cases, even see, the emotions of others. People with narcissism don't usually understand, or care about, the emotional turmoil that their cheating causes in their spouse. Nor are they usually concerned with the wider family and social ramifications of these acts in a relationship, such as the effects that such behavior may have on any children in the family.
If you have children especially please really think about what is at stake if you should decide to stay in your toxic relationship with your Narc.
What Is the Connection Between Narcissism and Cheating?
Many experts believe narcissism and cheating in a relationship are inextricably interlinked. The symptoms of narcissism are often such that these individuals cheat repeatedly on their spouses or significant others, usually without understanding that they have done something wrong. The typical narcissist believes he is beyond reprisal and entitled to do as he pleases at all times. Many narcissists may hate women so much that they use sexual degradation and infidelity as a means of punishing them for perceived wrongs. The narcissist may also feel obligated to maintain a "normal" appearance of married life, while still viewing his spouse as a hindrance and resenting the fidelity she requires of him.
Many narcissists pursue sexual conquests as a means of ego validation. They can gain a sense of power from the sexual act, and the acquisition of new partners may give them the feelings of worthiness and value that they usually inherently lack. Narcissism and cheating in relationships may be linked especially because many narcissists enjoy having intercourse more if it is difficult to achieve because the target is perceived as difficult. Encounters such as these tend to boost the person's fragile ego even more than encounters that come easily.
Unlike partners who cheat due to unmet needs in the relationship, narcissists will typically cheat repeatedly, no matter what the perceived quality of the central relationship in their lives. Many may claim to hold their spouse or partner in high esteem, while insisting that their extramarital liaisons mean nothing. In reality, these people tend to have no more regard for their partners or spouses then they do for the women with whom they are unfaithful.
Most experts agree that, when a narcissist enters a relationship, he will typically cheat again and again, believing he has every right to do so and that there is nothing wrong with his behavior. This belief is often so ingrained that, when the spouse or partner eventually gets fed up and leaves, the narcissist will typically attempt to do everything within his power to preserve the marriage. People with narcissism tend to use marriage for the social status and the appearance of normalcy it can bring them, rather than for intimacy or family, since they are typically incapable of real emotional closeness.
Most psychologists agree that narcissism and cheating in relationships often occur together because the average narcissist is unable to sympathize with, or in some cases, even see, the emotions of others. People with narcissism don't usually understand, or care about, the emotional turmoil that their cheating causes in their spouse. Nor are they usually concerned with the wider family and social ramifications of these acts in a relationship, such as the effects that such behavior may have on any children in the family.
If you have children especially please really think about what is at stake if you should decide to stay in your toxic relationship with your Narc.
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
HSP and the N
I know. I know. I said I would leave the subject alone but this is very important to me.
The Highly Sensitive Person and the Narcissist
Ask anyone who is a highly sensitive person and they will tell you that at some point in their lives, they have been in a relationship with a narcissist. Most did not know it at the time, but increasingly, they began to feel taken advantage of, used and then wonder how to get out. They couldn't always put a name to it or even explain what was happening. But it didn't feel good and the harder they tried, the worse it got. One day you meet someone who seems perfectly nice, funny, charming in fact, and rather appreciative of your sensitive, caring, giving nature and before you know it, you are living with someone who only wants you to cater to their every need. HSPs don't consciously choose this kind of relationship, but they are particularly vulnerable to it. Fortunately, there are ways that HSPs can steer clear of these toxic relationships and get the love they deserve.
For someone on the outside looking at a relationship between a highly sensitive person and a narcissist, it's all too easy to blame the HSP. How and why would anyone want to stay in such a relationship? And why did they get involved in it in the first place? Surely it was obvious that this person was taking you for a ride. But of course it isn't always obvious. Long-standing narcissistic behavior is not always immediately apparent and the narcissist often becomes highly skilled at getting what they want through charm, deception, passive-aggression, control tactics and manipulation. Narcissists feel they are superior to other people, although it may manifest itself in subtle ways, such as complaining about hotel service or ignoring expert advice. They are preoccupied with achieving success, power, beauty, fame, and wealth, although whatever they do achieve is never enough. They have a complete lack of empathy for others, including their own family and friends, so that they will take advantage of people to get their own needs and desires met, even if it hurts someone.
Unfortunately, highly sensitive people are often their targets. HSPs are highly empathetic and care deeply about others, sympathizing with their troubles. They are sensitive to other people's feelings and often feel the urge to help. The narcissist creates a relationship with the sensitive person that essentially allows them to feed off the kindness of the HSP, to satisfy their insatiable appetite for praise, attention, admiration, power and material things until the highly sensitive partner is left emotionally drained, exhausted and powerless. This feeling of helplessness often explains why it is so hard for HSPs to leave. Highly sensitive people are generally very conscientious and hardworking and they often feel, tragically, that if they just try a little harder, become just a little more compassionate and understanding and loving, everything will work out. Unfortunately, narcissists will only take advantage of that compassion and will take more and more of everything the HSP is struggling to deliver.
While it may be difficult to avoid narcissistic individuals completely, highly sensitive people can protect themselves. It can be difficult to spot a narcissist as they are masters of deception. They know what you want to hear, how to make you feel good, and how to say just the right things. Beware of people who seem a little too preoccupied with their appearance, their status and what people think of them. But the key is to realize that you, as a highly sensitive person, are vulnerable in ways that others are not. But that does not make you powerless. You are a delicate creature and so you must protect yourself. Instead of seeing your sensitivity as a fault, use your unique qualities to see others for what they really are and trust your own amazing sense of intuition and awareness of your own and others' feelings.
You can develop your sense of self-awareness and intuition by spending a few moments alone each day, especially when you feel overwhelmed or upset. If you don't know what you're feeling or why, sit down somewhere quiet, close your eyes, and ask yourself, What am I feeling? Don't think, just listen. Trust your instincts. The answer will come to you, perhaps as an image or maybe a word or a feeling. And then base your actions on that trusted information, and not what someone else is telling you. They may not have your best interests at heart.
Highly sensitive people can become targets for narcissists, but that does not mean you are powerless. Knowing who you are and what you need will make it easier to draw the line between a first date with a charmer and a relationship from hell. And if you find yourself in such a relationship, the best solution is to leave. It's not your job to fix someone else. All you have to do is look after yourself
The Highly Sensitive Person and the Narcissist
Ask anyone who is a highly sensitive person and they will tell you that at some point in their lives, they have been in a relationship with a narcissist. Most did not know it at the time, but increasingly, they began to feel taken advantage of, used and then wonder how to get out. They couldn't always put a name to it or even explain what was happening. But it didn't feel good and the harder they tried, the worse it got. One day you meet someone who seems perfectly nice, funny, charming in fact, and rather appreciative of your sensitive, caring, giving nature and before you know it, you are living with someone who only wants you to cater to their every need. HSPs don't consciously choose this kind of relationship, but they are particularly vulnerable to it. Fortunately, there are ways that HSPs can steer clear of these toxic relationships and get the love they deserve.
For someone on the outside looking at a relationship between a highly sensitive person and a narcissist, it's all too easy to blame the HSP. How and why would anyone want to stay in such a relationship? And why did they get involved in it in the first place? Surely it was obvious that this person was taking you for a ride. But of course it isn't always obvious. Long-standing narcissistic behavior is not always immediately apparent and the narcissist often becomes highly skilled at getting what they want through charm, deception, passive-aggression, control tactics and manipulation. Narcissists feel they are superior to other people, although it may manifest itself in subtle ways, such as complaining about hotel service or ignoring expert advice. They are preoccupied with achieving success, power, beauty, fame, and wealth, although whatever they do achieve is never enough. They have a complete lack of empathy for others, including their own family and friends, so that they will take advantage of people to get their own needs and desires met, even if it hurts someone.
Unfortunately, highly sensitive people are often their targets. HSPs are highly empathetic and care deeply about others, sympathizing with their troubles. They are sensitive to other people's feelings and often feel the urge to help. The narcissist creates a relationship with the sensitive person that essentially allows them to feed off the kindness of the HSP, to satisfy their insatiable appetite for praise, attention, admiration, power and material things until the highly sensitive partner is left emotionally drained, exhausted and powerless. This feeling of helplessness often explains why it is so hard for HSPs to leave. Highly sensitive people are generally very conscientious and hardworking and they often feel, tragically, that if they just try a little harder, become just a little more compassionate and understanding and loving, everything will work out. Unfortunately, narcissists will only take advantage of that compassion and will take more and more of everything the HSP is struggling to deliver.
While it may be difficult to avoid narcissistic individuals completely, highly sensitive people can protect themselves. It can be difficult to spot a narcissist as they are masters of deception. They know what you want to hear, how to make you feel good, and how to say just the right things. Beware of people who seem a little too preoccupied with their appearance, their status and what people think of them. But the key is to realize that you, as a highly sensitive person, are vulnerable in ways that others are not. But that does not make you powerless. You are a delicate creature and so you must protect yourself. Instead of seeing your sensitivity as a fault, use your unique qualities to see others for what they really are and trust your own amazing sense of intuition and awareness of your own and others' feelings.
You can develop your sense of self-awareness and intuition by spending a few moments alone each day, especially when you feel overwhelmed or upset. If you don't know what you're feeling or why, sit down somewhere quiet, close your eyes, and ask yourself, What am I feeling? Don't think, just listen. Trust your instincts. The answer will come to you, perhaps as an image or maybe a word or a feeling. And then base your actions on that trusted information, and not what someone else is telling you. They may not have your best interests at heart.
Highly sensitive people can become targets for narcissists, but that does not mean you are powerless. Knowing who you are and what you need will make it easier to draw the line between a first date with a charmer and a relationship from hell. And if you find yourself in such a relationship, the best solution is to leave. It's not your job to fix someone else. All you have to do is look after yourself
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