leaving

I was hoping to leave once the kids were out of school for the summer...
I have decided against that.. and instead I'm going to leave without them.
And much sooner. I am going to spend the rest of the week writing them each a letter.
Maybe two or three. There is so much I want them to know and hear before I go. So much I want them to remember. .

 There is so much I want my words to do for them. Heal. Guide. Be a reminder of all the love we had for one another.  To apologize for deceiving them. For not setting an honest happy marriage for them to model in their own lives.

But for today and the next few days.. I'm just going to give all of my love an attention to them.. and hope that's enough.

lyrical...

Sometimes songs just say it all.

This old heart of mine won't let you break it
Not again, not again
It hurt so many times and I can't take it, not again
Cause I'm hardly breathing
One more teary eye, or sleepless nights
Just might kill this heart of mine
Hardly breathing, hardly breathing

*Brandy- Hardly Breathing*

Running away

What if... you could run away....... would you?
 Ignoring obvious obstacles such as children, work and the alike.

I think about running away from my life on a daily basis. If it were not for having children I would surely be gone by now. I would love nothing more than to disappear into the crowd and never return.  My children keep me grounded. Keep me here. I wonder if one day they won't be enough to keep me from leaving.  The feeling just becomes so overwhelming sometimes.
This week I have been physically ill from stress and heartache.
I find myself talking to myself throughout the day.. trying to convince myself that I am still on the right path. My children interrupt my crying sessions with their simple hearts full of questions.  I do my best to still my sorrow until they are off playing once more but it is hard on my already fragile body. I eat very little.  And even the slightest bit of worry makes me dry heave.
With all of that though.. I stay around.
But if I did not have little ones around would I?
I feel pretty sure that I would be long gone living under some pseudonym.
Am I crazy?  Probably.
Do I want to continue on this lonely sad road. . No.
But I have no other options right now.