Everyone says it'll get easier..
to stay strong...
this is an incredibly hard thing to do when one is feeling so small.
So heart heavy.
I was in the midst of a move and now I think perhaps staying put would be more beneficial. (From certain stand points anyhow)
Right now everything just sucks. I'm trying to juggle different things and planning for the inevitable. I am left with such a short fuse that I am constantly on the verge of a breakdown. Honestly it would be a really good thing for me to have an over the top breakdown... if I didn't have kids anyway.
I'm counting down till vacation. I desperately need some lovin' from my family. From anyone really. I dred the reality of the trip though. The constant questioning of things I don't want to talk about... EVER.
I have made it very clear in other post that I have been struggling with weight ever since the beginning of 2012 when my extreme fatigue set in. What you wouldn't know is that back in 2011 getting in a workout was a part of my life. I would workout for about 2 hours everyday. Eating healthy was second nature. I didn't crave any junk food and I barely ever wanted a Coke.
Now we flash forward to the now and I have become an emotional/stress eater.... OOOO but not a "I want carrots and an apple" eater but a "I want french fries and an XL Coke" eater. Why?? I let life happen. I let all those personal things get in my way of my goals and happiness. I guess I feel like after all this time I don't deserve to have anything. No happiness and no goals.
Besides my basic everyday issues and my battle with my depression I have begun to have flashbacks of not so great memories. I haven't been able to sleep. Every time I try to sleep my mind begins to flood with those terrible thoughts that I have had locked away for 20 years.
I have been intensely looking into therapy and even hypnosis for the flashbacks. On one hand I know how beneficial it would be for my anxiety and my mental health. On the other hand I can see how it could just bring up more sadness for me. Sadness that I am not even close to being ready to deal with. I have tried to blog about things thinking that it would be enough to get me through..... I just can't seem to bring myself to even type openly about all the things that I have in my head.
I am pretty confident that seeing my children get closer to the age I was is a large contributor to the added anxiety that I have been feeling. I am even more confident that my anxiety and stress will raise again when my girls are starting high school. I know I can not protect them from everything in this world but I would like to think that I can.
So here I am waiting for life to move out of my way. I have very big decisions to make rather soon and it is very difficult. My heart and head are both giving me very different opinions on the subject. There are of course days like today where they both are on the same terms (it is a VERY rare day).
Many years of unhappiness have left me feeling very empty. There is not much left of me anymore. Just a sad shell of a person that was used too many times.
