Forgiveness

The majority of the population I would guess has a great deal of trouble giving forgiveness to those who have done them wrong in some way.
I on the other hand tend to offer forgiveness for anyone who truly wants it.
Forgiveness is something that has been deeply established into my heart.

I am willing to forgive all wrongs done to me.. especially when I feel it is for a greater good. Usually it is for my own sanity.

Forgiving does not mean forgetting. The saying "forgive and forget" is not entirely an accurate idea.
You can ALWAYS forgive an individual. You can NOT forget. I guess in a rare case of amnesia but that is a bit out of the realm of normalcy.

Normal, average and sane individuals who deserve to be forgiven will have the ability to request forgiveness and deserve to be forgiven. However, if you are dealing with someone who can not do the simple act of asking for forgiveness you need to turn and run and not even give them another moment.

Open your heart to forgiving others. I know this does not come easy for everyone and that it can be an extremely hard task to undertake. IT WILL BE WORTH IT. Anger is never a good thing. Forgiveness will make your heart happy.

I know.. I know..

This is yet again another Narc post. I can't help myself. Anyone in this type of relationship NEEDS to know that this is unacceptable. They are worth far too much to waste life on a false, hurtful and deceptive person.

What Is the Connection Between Narcissism and Cheating?

Many experts believe narcissism and cheating in a relationship are inextricably interlinked. The symptoms of narcissism are often such that these individuals cheat repeatedly on their spouses or significant others, usually without understanding that they have done something wrong. The typical narcissist believes he is beyond reprisal and entitled to do as he pleases at all times. Many narcissists may hate women so much that they use sexual degradation and infidelity as a means of punishing them for perceived wrongs. The narcissist may also feel obligated to maintain a "normal" appearance of married life, while still viewing his spouse as a hindrance and resenting the fidelity she requires of him.
Many narcissists pursue sexual conquests as a means of ego validation. They can gain a sense of power from the sexual act, and the acquisition of new partners may give them the feelings of worthiness and value that they usually inherently lack. Narcissism and cheating in relationships may be linked especially because many narcissists enjoy having intercourse more if it is difficult to achieve because the target is perceived as difficult. Encounters such as these tend to boost the person's fragile ego even more than encounters that come easily.
Unlike partners who cheat due to unmet needs in the relationship, narcissists will typically cheat repeatedly, no matter what the perceived quality of the central relationship in their lives. Many may claim to hold their spouse or partner in high esteem, while insisting that their extramarital liaisons mean nothing. In reality, these people tend to have no more regard for their partners or spouses then they do for the women with whom they are unfaithful.
Most experts agree that, when a narcissist enters a relationship, he will typically cheat again and again, believing he has every right to do so and that there is nothing wrong with his behavior. This belief is often so ingrained that, when the spouse or partner eventually gets fed up and leaves, the narcissist will typically attempt to do everything within his power to preserve the marriage. People with narcissism tend to use marriage for the social status and the appearance of normalcy it can bring them, rather than for intimacy or family, since they are typically incapable of real emotional closeness.
Most psychologists agree that narcissism and cheating in relationships often occur together because the average narcissist is unable to sympathize with, or in some cases, even see, the emotions of others. People with narcissism don't usually understand, or care about, the emotional turmoil that their cheating causes in their spouse. Nor are they usually concerned with the wider family and social ramifications of these acts in a relationship, such as the effects that such behavior may have on any children in the family.


If you have children especially please really think about what is at stake if you should decide to stay in your toxic relationship with your Narc.

HSP and the N

I know. I know. I said I would leave the subject alone but this is very important to me.


The Highly Sensitive Person and the Narcissist


Ask anyone who is a highly sensitive person and they will tell you that at some point in their lives, they have been in a relationship with a narcissist. Most did not know it at the time, but increasingly, they began to feel taken advantage of, used and then wonder how to get out. They couldn't always put a name to it or even explain what was happening. But it didn't feel good and the harder they tried, the worse it got. One day you meet someone who seems perfectly nice, funny, charming in fact, and rather appreciative of your sensitive, caring, giving nature and before you know it, you are living with someone who only wants you to cater to their every need. HSPs don't consciously choose this kind of relationship, but they are particularly vulnerable to it. Fortunately, there are ways that HSPs can steer clear of these toxic relationships and get the love they deserve.
For someone on the outside looking at a relationship between a highly sensitive person and a narcissist, it's all too easy to blame the HSP. How and why would anyone want to stay in such a relationship? And why did they get involved in it in the first place? Surely it was obvious that this person was taking you for a ride. But of course it isn't always obvious. Long-standing narcissistic behavior is not always immediately apparent and the narcissist often becomes highly skilled at getting what they want through charm, deception, passive-aggression, control tactics and manipulation. Narcissists feel they are superior to other people, although it may manifest itself in subtle ways, such as complaining about hotel service or ignoring expert advice. They are preoccupied with achieving success, power, beauty, fame, and wealth, although whatever they do achieve is never enough. They have a complete lack of empathy for others, including their own family and friends, so that they will take advantage of people to get their own needs and desires met, even if it hurts someone.
Unfortunately, highly sensitive people are often their targets. HSPs are highly empathetic and care deeply about others, sympathizing with their troubles. They are sensitive to other people's feelings and often feel the urge to help. The narcissist creates a relationship with the sensitive person that essentially allows them to feed off the kindness of the HSP, to satisfy their insatiable appetite for praise, attention, admiration, power and material things until the highly sensitive partner is left emotionally drained, exhausted and powerless. This feeling of helplessness often explains why it is so hard for HSPs to leave. Highly sensitive people are generally very conscientious and hardworking and they often feel, tragically, that if they just try a little harder, become just a little more compassionate and understanding and loving, everything will work out. Unfortunately, narcissists will only take advantage of that compassion and will take more and more of everything the HSP is struggling to deliver.
While it may be difficult to avoid narcissistic individuals completely, highly sensitive people can protect themselves. It can be difficult to spot a narcissist as they are masters of deception. They know what you want to hear, how to make you feel good, and how to say just the right things. Beware of people who seem a little too preoccupied with their appearance, their status and what people think of them. But the key is to realize that you, as a highly sensitive person, are vulnerable in ways that others are not. But that does not make you powerless. You are a delicate creature and so you must protect yourself. Instead of seeing your sensitivity as a fault, use your unique qualities to see others for what they really are and trust your own amazing sense of intuition and awareness of your own and others' feelings.
You can develop your sense of self-awareness and intuition by spending a few moments alone each day, especially when you feel overwhelmed or upset. If you don't know what you're feeling or why, sit down somewhere quiet, close your eyes, and ask yourself, What am I feeling? Don't think, just listen. Trust your instincts. The answer will come to you, perhaps as an image or maybe a word or a feeling. And then base your actions on that trusted information, and not what someone else is telling you. They may not have your best interests at heart.
Highly sensitive people can become targets for narcissists, but that does not mean you are powerless. Knowing who you are and what you need will make it easier to draw the line between a first date with a charmer and a relationship from hell. And if you find yourself in such a relationship, the best solution is to leave. It's not your job to fix someone else. All you have to do is look after yourself

Narcissist Part 3

 If you missed PART1 and/or PART2 find them HERE and HERE. 
 I could go on forever about this subject but I think I will leave it alone after this one. I want others to know that they are not alone. Unless your N is willing to go through a great deal of counseling... leave. NOW. No one should be subjected to a toxic relationship.

Question:
When does a narcissist end the relationship?

Answer:
When they see you can see through their mask and question their behavior and don't say Amen to all they do....If you speak your mind and want to exchange ideas and thoughts and know what you want which maybe is not the same they want all the time...Being in a relationship is giving and taking, 2 different individuals that respect each other’s taste, ideals etc....They cannot do it only at the Enticing phase, then they get tired of acting and the Real One shows up...and they get ashamed, angry and start withdrawing affection, ,sex and constantly testing you.....is hell on Earth...They are the master of confusion...Then they blame you for everything they do and you are dismissed....

ADDITIONALLY:

If the N feels you have "injured" him in any manner, he will check out on you, it could be something as small as saying to him "you have no sense of humor" he will take this as a COMPLETE insult, a criticism, no matter if you were jokingly saying it or not. If you call him on his behavior/lies, he sees this as an injury as well and will consider you the "enemy" he will not interact with you if he now consider you to be the enemy.

Treat his perceived injury with a gang of apologies, compliments and whatever supply you can offer, lure him back and DUMP him, these type people are unreasonable, uncaring, irrational, out of touch with reality, they have ZERO emotions, get away, it's not easy but can be done or stay with him and "dance with the devil".

Additionally:

There is another way how N's end the relationship and leave you, namely when YOU are about the end the relationship with your N. When the narcissist feels or knows that you want to end the relationship he/she will take over and arrange his own leaving.
Many victims of narcissist partners arrive to a point in which they suddenly realize the sickness of their relationship or marriage. The narcissist is demasked. After the first shock the victim starts working on his own salvation. Of course this takes time however the narcissist feels that the source is slowly running dry. Narcissism is all about control so when he loses this control or when you even make a decision leaving him or her, they cannot accept this abandonment. The fear of losing the control over you as well as losing their narcissistic supply source is unbearable for him. In the minds of narcissists it is unacceptable to even consider the possibility that YOU leave HIM/HER, instead of the other way around. They own you don't they, so how can it be?
The N will gain time which he needs for arranging his way out. He needs to find another source, to prepare for divorce, to talk bad about you behind your back in order to create the idea you're the one to blame etc. During that time the N will try one time more to not lose you but completely according narcissistic patterns he will do this by withholding attention and sex instead of giving you this elementary aspects of a relationship. He thinks he can still play the same game but now you're aware and you don't mind too much anymore.
Then, when he/she has arranged everything he will leave you.
You need to direct this process which is not difficult once you have demasked your narcissist.

The Narrcissist Part 2

  If you missed the first part of my Narcissist post please head back HERE! (Part 1) and catch up..

When you are leaving your Narcissistic partner you may stumble because you begin to question everything in your relationship. All the things that led up to that point may seem like a lie. Frankly, they probably were for the most part. Which leads me to the next most asked question...

Did The Narcissist Ever Really Love Me?

Answer:
This is one of the most commonly asked questions from those who have given their hearts, and souls to a narcissist. At first the relationship is very intense and romantic and it seems perhaps you have finally found "the one."
I recently watched a movie where a character comically said "or you are still chasing after the elusive "one." Meaning we often spend our lives waiting for the one who will finally make everything right with our world. Initially it may seem the narcissistic lover is "the one." But after the honeymoon is over the tables turn. Why? Well because the honeymoon is over! And narcissists love the honeymoon.
In all healthy relationships there comes a time where the honeymoon must evolve into something real. This means it is time for real communication, dealing with issues, concerns and commitments. It means having the ability to work with a partner, to consider the needs of that partner, to let go of the need to be "right" in favor of having true communication, accountability and responsibility. If you have a concern in your relationship you should be able to take your concern to your partner and be heard. You should also be able to listen, really listen to the concerns of your partner. In a narcissistic relationship this doesn't happen.
The reason the narcissist loves the honeymoon is because he can be stuck in the Peter Pan, terminal boyhood stage where he doesn't have to be responsible or accountable. He doesn't want to deal with issues in the relationship. If any issues are brought up he will be quick to dump them back on you and walk away. He loves the romance, the attention, admiration, adoration, promise of ideal love and hope that he has found "the one" who will tolerate all his weirdness without question. When his beloved begins to question him, differ with him or make demands, his "weirdness" escalates. He resorts to his manipulation techniques to get you to stop bringing his issues to the forefront. And his greatest manipulation technique is to dump it all on you. It is your fault. You are too demanding! You don't accept him as he is!
The narcissist doesn't want to grow up and be accountable. He is entitled to constant attention and admiration without having to invest anything more than the initial time it took to woo you. Once you have been wooed you should be hooked in and he shouldn't have to invest so much anymore. He has groomed you to be a constant source of admiration, attention, sex, affection, and nurturing. The piece that is missing is that the narcissist doesn't seem to believe that he should reciprocate.
With men there is an unlimited supply of selfless women out there who believe in taking care of their man and catering to his needs without concern for their own. And so it is pretty easy to groom a woman to play this role. With female narcissists they want to be the queen and look for men who will completely adore and admire them, once again without any concern for their own needs. Men who had demanding or narcissistic Mother's might easily align with a woman like this and cater to her every need in order to keep her around.
Underneath it all the narcissist can't enter into a place of mature love. Their love is immature, self-centered and needy. They are looking for unconditional love but are unwilling to give it. And so the question "did he ever really love me?" can be answered simply by saying "he loved you to the extent he was able. He never had the ability to move beyond the honeymoon and upgrade to mature love. He is stuck in "young" love which is intense, passionate and romantic while it lasts. For a time, you might be "the one" for the narcissist. But when you begin to have needs or demands from the relationship, or you are disagreeable, it will change. When you begin to question his behavior whether it be viewing porn, staying out late or ignoring you, he will be angry at you because he wants you to completely affirm and validate him, no matter what he does. He expects for you to tolerate his affairs, his porn, his sex addiction, his avoidance issues, and anything else he does. This is narcissism! Narcissism is self-centered and immature. It doesn't consider you or your needs.
Often when you are cut off, abandoned, devalued and discarded, it is a punishment for your refusal to comply. And as victims of narcissism we often believe it is somehow our fault that he or she treated us with such contempt. We wrack our brains wondering what we did to deserve such cruel treatment. But it is and never has been about you. What you did is refuse to cater to his needs and affirm him unconditionally. But unless you want to completely give up yourself and be absorbed by the narcissist, it is unrealistic to play this role with him. Often we do, for quite a long time. We are conditioned to turn a blind eye, to take him back after he had an affair and not ask questions, and suffer through the cold spells and silent treatments. But eventually one of two things happens. Either the narcissist gets bored with you because you no longer challenge him, or you get fed up with his behavior and start making demands for yourself which may eventually result in your leaving.
You can't always know what is going on inside the tortured mind of the narcissist. The one thing you can know is that he or she is unable to truly give you what you want, need and deserve; a whole, healthy relationship. So whether you leave or the narcissist leaves, you are better off.
It is perfectly O.K. to love the narcissist, even after it is over. If your love was real then honor that and embrace it. This means you are able to love in a deep and honest way. Sometimes the narcissistic relationship shows us how deeply we can and do love. Playing with Peter Pan can be a magical experience, one that you don't forget. It can be intense, passionate, sexy, and romantic. But you are destined to live in never never land which means you will never have anything real or true. It is all only make believe.
I believe there is a part of the narcissist that does love those he gets involved with. At least some of them. He or she may also use relationships to get something he/she wants. The narcissist may marry for money, or prestige or power. A narcissist may get involved with you because you are eye candy and make him/her look good. But then, most people make choices based on what's in it for them. Most people are physically attracted to someone because they perceive that person as hot, or beautiful, or gorgeous. People with money, or power or prestige never have trouble finding a mate, because the mate is more attracted to the goodies, than the person. Many people are attracted to fixer uppers hoping they can rehabilitate them and make them the "perfect mate."
Love only goes as deep as we do, and frankly if your mate doesn't run very deep than neither will the love. If your mate hasn't taken the time to develop himself or herself than it's not likely going to change in the relationship. If you've spent your life embracing "personal growth" and your mate has never read a book on the topic, then you can bet that personal growth isn't high on his list of priorities.
Did the narcissist ever really love you? Perhaps he loved the idea of you. Perhaps he loved how you made him feel. Perhaps he loved the fantasy of what life with you could bring him. Perhaps he loved the idea that he has finally found someone who will love him unconditionally and ignore his shortcomings (which are a lot.) Perhaps he was taken by your beauty, or intelligence or wit. But he was never strong enough to go the next level. And ultimately that is what you wanted right? You wanted a real, mature, loving, caring, nurturing relationship that considered your needs. And you simply weren't going to get it from someone that shallow.
If you tell yourself that you loved him and he loved you to the best of his ability given what he had to work with, you can finally make peace with it all and let him go to be who and what he is....a narcissist.

  I recently saw someone ask what to do about still being "in Love" with their Narcissist and wanting to know what they should do about it. To which came one of the best responses I have ever seen.... "Being "in love" can't be one sided".   Your feelings for this individual were pure and real. The tough part is knowing that the feelings you had were for something false. A giant lie. If you have the misfortune to be subjected to these lies for years like myself you may feel that all your unrequited love was a waste. That everything you had done up until this point was for nothing. I am right here with you. Just know that loving another is never for nothing. Your love is important!

  You have to come to terms that while you may still love your partner the relationship is a toxic one. Value yourself higher than that of this individual.  You are worth more and deserve more than this individual could give you.  

 

Waking up happy!!

 Today, (technically yesterday as this is being posted on Saturday) I woke up to the feeling of happiness!!! ME!! I woke up with a smile on my face. A true genuine smile. I do not know when the last time that occurred. That smile continued well into the day. Still a smile on my face at lunch. I felt like I had not a care in the world. It was truly fabulous. I even took a picture because it is such an untrue event that I did not think I would believe it come tomorrow.

  After the kids nap time I noticed I was beginning to feel heart heaving but it was quite short lived.  It was like a rush of relieve hit me and I was very content with everything once again. I felt as if for once I no longer needed to worry. That things would work out for the better.  As the night grew near I felt so much happiness that I was prepared to almost forgive all stupid and selfish decisions made by my worse half. That feeling also quickly vanished when the realization that a simple word couldn't even be given the appropriate time it deserved. I was left feeling sadness for my children once more.... there was a lack of feeling on my part of disappointment or anger.. mostly because it was to be expected.

 ♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦

  After months of wanting nothing but to seize life here.. I have found so much strength to live. To be the best for my children. To protect them. To love them. To be their voice when they feel that they no longer have one.  I was that child... the voiceless. I paid heavily for it as a child and as an adolescent. Those scars I still carry with me. Struggle with them. Many days the depression from those memories becomes so unbearable that I want to lock myself up in a padded room. I have searched out helpful facilities numerous times. My true happiness will come in time. I will find the courage to gain my own voice. Who knows.. perhaps with my own experiences I will help another individual who remains voiceless and scared.

Humdrum

  Because I have been such a Debby downer.... I'll share where the title for this post came from..

 I finally made it back from my vacation that I thought would never come to an end. Spending time with my family was amazing but I was left feeling sad for a great portion of the trip. I wanted so badly to leave weeks before I actually did. Hindsight, I see that all of the frustration, aggravation and sadness I was feeling actually didn't even hold a light to how I feel in my house. My bare house that has no pictures on the walls and the warmth and love that it had once illuminated is no longer. I despise this house. The thought of staying here for another year hangs very heavily on my heart and mind for both myself and the kids.
  Children are extremely resilient. Mine, I would expect are much more than most others but I still feel terrible having to make such a big heartbreaking decision for them. They are growing so quickly. Becoming wiser everyday. Knowing and understanding far more than they should at their young ages. Worrying about things that they shouldn't. Caring about things that should never be presented to them. I am too well aware of the sadness they are enduring because of selfishness. The hardest part is watching it unfold in front of me.. knowing it is only going to get worse. The pain they feel will only grow larger. That hole in their heart will remain empty until it is impossible to fix. I have been slowly preparing them.. hoping that somehow my words will make the break easier.

I know it won't. I still try.

 I pray every night for the wisdom, guidance and strength to get me through all of this. To be a source of strength for my children. To be certain in my decisions. To lead a faithful and morally upright life, that my children deserve to see, that I want for myself. To be honest.... even to my children. No matter the deal of hurt that may come from it. For protection from evils both seen and unseen. I ask to be loved. To feel love. To see even in chaos and disarray that my children feel loved.. deep and unconditional love. That individuals cherish their families.. truly cherish them.

  ♥♥♥♥

Helpful information about Narcissist

  Dealing with an individual with a narcissistic personality disorder can be both emotionally and physically exhausting. Most people will tell you to hit the ground running when you encounter these volatile individuals.  However, many times you may not be aware of what you are getting yourself into until it is far too late.
  I am going to answer one of the most common questions, link a YouTube video (not mine), as well as link a great page on Facebook.

MOST COMMON QUESTION:
Why is a narcissist promiscuous?

Answer:
Narcissists do not see women in a healthy way. They are unable to see a woman as cute (i.e. sweet) and sexy at the same time. No, narcissists categorize women into one of two separate categories-saintly or sexy. They have a very difficult time seeing a woman as both. To them, a woman is either one or the other, but never both. This is what psychologists refer to as a Madonna-whore complex.
If a woman is sweet and nice, she is classified as a Madonna. If she challenges him, she is defined as a whore. A Madonna is sexless. A whore turns a narcissist on like nothing else. In the beginning of a relationship, every woman is sexy to a narcissist because the thrill of the chase makes her enticing. The harder to get she plays, the sexier she becomes. However, once she has been conquered by the narcissist, she slowly loses her desirability. The more comfortable the relationship becomes and the more caring she becomes, the less enticing she is to him sexually. She loses her sex appeal and becomes a saintly Madonna figure. A Madonna fulfills a narcissist’s need to be catered to like a child. A whore fulfills his adult sexual needs. A whore is the only type of woman that turns a narcissist on. A Madonna is completely sexless. Over time, any woman who is good and caring to a narcissist will inevitably become sexless.
Many narcissists revert to pornography at this point, because it portrays women as whores. Pornography is degrading to women, and this is exactly what turns a narcissist on. Many become addicted to pornography. A narcissist eventually withdraws sexually from any type of intimate relationship you once had with him. I believe it is inevitable in any long-term relationship with a narcissist. You become sexless. You become the Madonna. He still needs you, no doubt. However, this is not because he is in love with you in any adult or mature way. He needs you to continue to cater to his needs. He needs you to ensure that someone will always be present to stroke his ego, should the outside world fall short of his expectations.
In other words, sex and love are two completely separate entities, which is precisely how a narcissist views them. A narcissist does not view sex as a reflection of one’s love for another. He views sex as something completely separate from love. To a narcissist, love is sexless, pure, and saintly, whereas sex is dirty and reserved for whores. They go from person to person for narcissistic supply. They are incapable of love and can not feel.

YOUTUBE VIDEO

She has made multiple helpful videos so browse around!

FACEBOOK PAGE
https://www.facebook.com/SurvivingTheNarcissistRelationship

I will be blogging about this topic again as it is very dear to my heart.

 Have a question about this specific personality disorder? Do you have a personal experience with a narcissistic individual? Please feel free to leave your own story or question in the comments section.

deep breathing exercise

Life is difficult.

Even for those whom never deal with struggles.

The mere presence of ones physical being on Earth will produce:

Heartache.

Devastation.

 Grief.

Happiness.

Worry.

Delight.

Anger.

Bitterness.

Devotion.

Hope.

Well you get it.. the list goes on and on.

I find myself quite often wishing for this life to end.

Knowing that the very little happiness and joy I have encountered is only that...

VERY LITTLE.

 I have to ask, pray and request a small miracle everyday to keep me content here.

In this life. 

In my small tormented hell.

Forever doomed to live a despairing life.

Do not get me wrong now...

My four precious children are my everything.

I would literally do anything to keep them at their happiest. 

I suppose I already have been. 

Putting them before every decision I make.

Before every temptation.

Every want, wish and desire.

If I must lead them to happiness through example.. 

I will gladly do so.

A smile on my face and a tear in my heart perhaps...

It would be absolutely worth it if it meant sparing them from harm.

My heart has been so unhappy for so long...

I am not sure of what true, ever flowing and filling happiness is.

Surely I would delight in the thought of obtaining it if I could remember the feeling.

Every life is difficult.

 It is the choice of staying and seeing it through that will lead you to..

Happiness?

 Peace?

Fulfillment?

 One can only hope.

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