Humdrum

  Because I have been such a Debby downer.... I'll share where the title for this post came from..

 I finally made it back from my vacation that I thought would never come to an end. Spending time with my family was amazing but I was left feeling sad for a great portion of the trip. I wanted so badly to leave weeks before I actually did. Hindsight, I see that all of the frustration, aggravation and sadness I was feeling actually didn't even hold a light to how I feel in my house. My bare house that has no pictures on the walls and the warmth and love that it had once illuminated is no longer. I despise this house. The thought of staying here for another year hangs very heavily on my heart and mind for both myself and the kids.
  Children are extremely resilient. Mine, I would expect are much more than most others but I still feel terrible having to make such a big heartbreaking decision for them. They are growing so quickly. Becoming wiser everyday. Knowing and understanding far more than they should at their young ages. Worrying about things that they shouldn't. Caring about things that should never be presented to them. I am too well aware of the sadness they are enduring because of selfishness. The hardest part is watching it unfold in front of me.. knowing it is only going to get worse. The pain they feel will only grow larger. That hole in their heart will remain empty until it is impossible to fix. I have been slowly preparing them.. hoping that somehow my words will make the break easier.

I know it won't. I still try.

 I pray every night for the wisdom, guidance and strength to get me through all of this. To be a source of strength for my children. To be certain in my decisions. To lead a faithful and morally upright life, that my children deserve to see, that I want for myself. To be honest.... even to my children. No matter the deal of hurt that may come from it. For protection from evils both seen and unseen. I ask to be loved. To feel love. To see even in chaos and disarray that my children feel loved.. deep and unconditional love. That individuals cherish their families.. truly cherish them.

  ♥♥♥♥