Some ramblings

I had all these grand ideals in my head.. things that needed to be released.. to relieve some of my burden.. my heavy heart.. my worries.. but here I sit.. with nothing to write.. nothing to say..

My eyes burn and hurt... 

Feelings of tiredness overwhelm..

Loss and pain cover me completely...

I had read the last post I had wrote on here before today and I spoke of all this happiness that was bound to come my way...
the illogical me... full of misdirected optimism.... always thinking that I deserved better.. deserved good... o what a fool I am.. I get it now.. I truly do.. Happiness will not befall on my home.. not on me.. and I am okay with that. I wanted something.. something more.. something I never thought Id want or get.. but now.. now I know that it is not something in my future.. and I am okay with that. I can be just as complete without. It was always a foolish sentiment anyhow.. for me to believe I should ever have anything of value.. of truth...

She was trying 

hard to be strong. 

to forget. 

to erase all those memories 

but it was hard for her to let go 

of the happiest she had felt in such a long time.

to let dissolve all those good times, smiles and all the love.

it was true.

it was honest.

it was more than she could have hoped for.

it ached down within to give up on

all of that.
yet she knew she couldn't go on
with late night text and the thoughts
inside her head..

so she was trying
@tinynmoments

What the ^%@& is wrong with me

Seriously.... what is it about me that sucks soo much.
Why cant I just stop sucking?
I fail at everything. When I am not failing I am destroying all the good in my world.
So I ask again.... what is it that makes me this way?

The last few months have been pretty crumby... the past few weeks have been even worse though...
The stress from so much came all at once and I see no way out of it.. I'm stuck... I have no options.. I'm stuck in a house I have begun to truly hate and I am completely lonely... I sleep on a couch because my bed feels too large. I sit and cry for hours knowing there is nothing that can be done to stop the tears from pouring down. 

What happened to the girl in the post previous to this one.. the one that had hope and strength... someone just tell me why I suck sooo damn bad!!!!

Things were going so good in my life until the last few months and now everything is falling apart and I cant stop it... 
I am nothing. 

She felt her life drain from her face

as she spoke of goodbyes

there were only two things

holding her on in this world

and now she was 

down to one

I did it!

I can not believe I did it.... but I did.

 Today, even after a few days of being sick, I completed my 10k run.

 I am fricking stoked!

I know compared to others this is nothing.

Luckily, I'm not others.

I am so beyond proud of myself.

I have accomplished so much these last few months.

I have found my determination, focus, life-force and center again.

I keep setting up goals for myself then knocking them down and making new ones.

I love this Tiffany. 

I have missed her.

I will never give her up again.

The next person who walks into my life will pretty well have to be damn near sainthood to keep me.

I know my value..

Possibly for the first time ever in my life.

Everything that I have been through has built me up into this amazingly strong individual that I am now.

Life is good.

*Tiffany*

To a new start..

Wow, it has been a very long time since I wrote anything on here. Life always seems to get in the way... family, obligations, stress, work and the list goes on and on. 
  I recently went back and read my old post and my heart was completely saddened for the young lady that wrote those words. She was so overwhelmed, lost and burdened that she felt she had nowhere to go.  She felt alone. Spiraling out of control. I wanted to reach out to her. Tell her it will all work out. That she makes it through and thrives. That she finds peace. Happiness. Hope.
   I have done so much soul searching the last few weeks. So much so that I don't think there is any place I haven't looked or haven't thought over a hundred times.
  I owe so much to one person in particular that it hurts. I don't think I ever told them enough just how very important they have been to me. I wish I could go back. I wish I could of had my head on straight before it was too late. Before I missed my opportunity. To quote the song LOSE IT by the ever great Eminem:

Look, if you had, one shot, or one opportunity
To seize everything you ever wanted. In one moment
Would you capture it, or just let it slip?
Yo

I let my opportunity slip away and I hate myself everyday for it. I needed to say:

You helped me find myself again

You helped me find happiness

You provided me with a very dear friend that I hadn't had in a very long time

You dear... you gave me hope... the greatest thing you could have ever given me.

Hope... a four letter word that means so much to me now. I would of never guessed that I would treasure it so.  In September. . I was hopeless. I went through something completely alone. While I knew it was for the best. While I knew that it was what I needed.. I felt completely lost and alone. When I thought about my future.. I didn't really see one. I never thought anyone would even glance at me if they knew I had 4 little ones. Which at this point and time is just fine with me... but some point I will want to have someone to smother in love and affection. Eventually, I'll crave having someone to wake up to. Someone to grow old with. To share new experiences with when the kids are grown and away. 

  I needed to believe that there was hope for a future with someone special in it.  Now.. thanks to a wonderful dashing man.. I do. He will probably never know how big of an impact he had on my life.. my future.. because I missed that opportunity. I missed my shot at telling someone that they made a major difference in my life and I am forever grateful for that.

Don't miss your opportunity. Don't wake up a day too late with things you wanted to say yesterday.

Thank you. Thank you everyday for giving me so much more than I feel I deserve.
*Tiffany*

Running for peace of mind

For the first time in 9 years I have taken time to find the real me. The part of me that has likes and dislikes. The part of me that has thoughts outside of her kids. Don't get me wrong I adore my children with all of my heart and I do not have any regrets of giving them all of me for the past many years.  I do have to admit that I have enjoyed finding myself again. I forgot how kind, compassionate, creative and strong I am.
  I started running a few months back as just a way to get through time and feel better about myself.

 However, since around Thanksgiving I have become obsessed. I ran my first 5k last week and am training for a 10k in the very near future. I've become so obsessed that I practically have to force myself to have a rest day. This is a good thing and a bad thing. I love that I have an outlet for my thoughts. I love that my body is becoming stronger.  I love that I can feel myself becoming a more determined person. Flip side to the coin is.. I hate that when I miss a day I become so incredibly sad.  I had to have a rest day. My body demanded it. So I complied. The beginning of the day wasn't bad but by the end I had enough. I wanted nothing more than to curl up in a ball and cry. I hate this. What have I become? True, I have a great deal on my mind these days but it truly is awful to feel like the only way to be normal is to run until I can't take another step.

My mind, body and heart will someday be on the same page. They will work in unison and I can not wait. I look forward to that happiness.  The contentment. Just the thought makes me smile. 

*Tiffany*

My Freeman Beauty #BAREFOOTbliss Exfoliating Polish Review

   I was recently given a coupon for a Freeman Beauty product from my local Walmart to test out.  Let me first say that finding the products were the worst part of this adventure. I went on vacation and brought the coupon with me and searched three different Walmarts with no such luck. I came back home and searched the two nearest Walmarts and still had a terrible time finding it. Once I finally did find it there was only two left on the shelf, which is probably part of the trouble finding it, it seems to be a hot commodity in these parts.
  Now with my victory score in hand I raced home (abiding all stop lights and speed limit signs of course) and tried it at once. After all I had just been on vacation for a month with daily visits to the pool and many days of being barefoot and/or in flip flops. I tested it out on my overly dry feet and they felt fabulous. My piggies were so soft and invigorated.

  With a name like Barefoot I was kind of thinking that it would only be useful on my feet but it says it is a complete body exfoliant. So the next adventure in trying out this product was using it on my hands. I don't know many women who are not concerned with the look of their hands. I mean it is what everyone sees  when you shake hands, show off a ring, wave at the neighbor or are using the self checkout lines at the local grocery store.

  The texture is amazing. It is creamy and shimmering even after rinsing it away I felt like I was still shimmering. My hands were still soft hours later. I was worried that my hands would smell like "feet lotion" but the smell is very pleasant and I plan on using the exfoliant again on other areas that could use some softening.

  Overall I am very very pleased with this product and highly recommend it. The only real complaint is that I wish it were easier to find in stores.

All thoughts in this review are my own based on my personal experience with the product. 
Your results my differ. #contest #BAREFOOTbliss
I received this product complimentary from Influenster for testing purposes.

Here I am many months since the last time I wrote. .. yet I am in the exact same position as before.  I am trying so hard to find a way to make it through the next 14/15years..

It has killed me to make it this far. Literally killing me.  I've attempted to check myself into mental hospitals on more than one occasion.  I wish I would of been able to find a way to make it work. . Not that I'd ever be able to leave but at least it would save me from myself.. my thoughts.